When i was younger, I have always wondered “what if i wasn’t me?” Like what does it actually feels like to be someone else? Now that I’m older, I still stop to wonder what it feels like to lead a totally different life. To be honest, I’ve always hated myself, the life that i’m leading. Not because i don’t have nice people around me or anything of that sort. I just hated being average, average at everything. What does it feel like to be good at something? I really want to know.

If you’ve read my previous posts a long time ago, you would have known that I was never good with my studies. I put in x10 the effort of some of my friends, just to be a mere average. So in short, i’m not.. smart, pretty, slim or even good at anything. I was just ordinary. I’ve always complained that “life isn’t fair” and people tell me i shouldn’t compare. But what do they know what it feels like to deal with self esteem issues everyday? Its a constant battle of feeling like you’re not good enough for anyone or anything. 

I’ve tried exercising, so i’d look better. But no matter how hard i try, i’ve never succeed. Whereas others seem to be able to do it so effortlessly. I know you’d say i don’t see the hard work they’ve put in. But how about people who don’t even have to do anything and they are already in shape? I know i really shouldn’t be complaining, but i just needed to get it off my chest. When can i end my battle with my weight?

When will i ever be good enough?

Page 365 of 365

Hello future Alicia!
So another year has past, we’re stepping into 2014 soon.
No doubt, 2013 has been a rather shitty yet wonderful year. I mean, whats life without some ups and downs right?
Lets see.. 2013, 2013.. what happened?

1. Traveled the most in a year
Visited 3 countries within a short span of 6 months, got nagged so much by my parents/relatives. But no regrets man, best decision i have ever made in my life so far. I know it doesn’t seem much to some, but for someone who doesn’t even travel every year.. that’s quite an achievement. So in 2014, i wanna travel more. Because it makes me happy, and i wanna be happy. I’ve had enough bullshits all year round man, i need to do things that makes me happy. :)

2. Went for my first run ever

Illumi run 2013! Not exactly a marathon run kinda run, but its the first time that I’ve actually paid money to RUN. i deserve some credit. & I’d gladly join such runs again, if i’m financially able to.

3. Took my braces off!

Holy mama! After 3.6 years of endless ulcers, sore gums, troublesome dental appointments. I’m finally done and over with this metal crap in my mouth. I’m finally able to bite into an apple. *tears of joy*

4. Started University
Not really exciting, but nevertheless, a milestone in life. Another horrible chapter/nightmare unveils. I’m still trying to adapt to university life of readings, research papers, studying, assignments, boring lectures blahblahblah. As much as i dread uni, i wanna go it well and do it good. Graduate with at least a second upper honors please!

5. Start living healthily
I’m starting to exercise, run, eat well etc. Though not the best, but at least I’m taking the first step out. *pats on back* This is gonna be a lifestyle change, so i wanna take it slow. :)

6. Another awesome year with my USSGRBABIES.

(not full department)
Despite all the rants of wanting to leave, i’m still here fighting alongside my colleagues. Things can be quite mundane, boring, unreasonable at times. But we’ve made it another year together. No doubt, many have left, many have joined and our department is constantly changing. But it’s still kinda fun!

7. Another awesome year with my lovely monkeys

Going to Bali together, doing crazy shit, adventure adventure adventure! Although, we’re not always meeting due to personal schedules, school, army, work etc. But when we meet, we are still crazy and that’s all that matters. <3 Will be meeting them for countdown again this year, i like how its our tradition. 31 Dec – 1 Jan is always for the sexyapes.

So that’s pretty much a summarized version of my year. Really long story short, it has been a great year, with bad days and good ones. But that’s just life. So lets cheers to 2014, hopefully it’ll be hell of an amazing year. To 2014!

Be yourself, love yourself

As cliche as my title sounds, its nothing but the truth. 

I’m pretty sure many of us had once tried so hard to fit into somewhere, to try to please everyone, just to feel accepted. I for one, did all those dumb things. But today, it dawned on me that i’m at the point where i’m feeling nothing but unhappiness and jealousy. I hate trying to belong somewhere. Well, as good as it feels to belong in a “clique”. It doesn’t fucking matter. 

How sure are you that your clique is gonna stay the same way 10 years down the road? We all needed to be separated at some point in time, you’re not gonna be able to stay in you “clique” forever. 

Anyway, the reason for saying all of this is because many things have happened. Like people forming cliques, and also me being forgotten. Truthfully, It feels horrible to be on the other end where people just totally forgot you exist. Its like you don’t really matter. (i’m actually typing all this and feeling angry) But what i chose to neglect, was the fact that there are others out there who cares, who remembers about my existence. So i’m gonna devote more of my time to these people. Because they appreciate me as a friend. They don’t forget me once they meet someone “better”. 

Which brings me to another point. Look, there will always be someone out there better, smarter, prettier and cooler. But if you have real friends, they’ll still stay by your side. These friends are gems, hold them tight. They are the ones that will go through all ups and downs with you. :) 

Glad to have the handful of friends that i know are gems. :) Thank you my lovely pengyous.

 

 

Flashbacks

I was sitting in the clinic, the clinic that i used to visit when i was younger, and many memories started to flash pass me.
I know how a clinic can be quite a depressing place. but somehow, the memories that i remember most clearly are the ones where i had fun. Of course there are horrible experiences like getting injections and vomitting in the clinic cause i was so sick.

I remember how when either me or my brother fell sick, the whole family would go to the doctor’s together. Kids being kids, obviously we would be monkeying around in the clinic. Running around, pestering our parents etc. I remember we actually frequent the clinic so much, that the nurses were okay with us just sitting beside them while they work. Thinking about it now, it’s kinda funny or should i say sad. Why were we so weak to be falling ill so often?  There was a 7-11 nearby the clinic, it was  our favorite place to go every time we were there. We would rush to the 7-11 to get some gummies before we headed home! The irony of getting sweets after visiting the doctor.

I guess these are just some things that will no longer happen anymore. We’re all too grown up to do silly things like these, oh how i miss those days.

Okay nuff’ of all my reminiscing, i haven’t been on this space for ages and today i just felt like coming back here again!
So it has been a long time and I’ve officially graduated from polytechnic!! Well, i don’t know what the future holds for me, but i’ll try to make whatever decisions that i feel would be the best for me. So now  i’m just taking and enjoying my well deserved break before the next chapter of my life unveils! So far, I’ve travelled to Taiwan for 8 days and i’ll be going to Bangkok again in May for 5D4N! All these exciting plans awaiting me!

I’m feeling pretty happy today because I’ve finally gotten the closure that i was looking for all these time. Yes, i liked a guy, or so i thought i did. Till this day, i’m not really sure what i feel for him. But well, its all over now and i finally have a reason to move on. You know how sometimes you know it’ll never happen for the both of you but you can’t bear to let go? Exactly what I’ve been feeling. But now, i can finally move on. I know its weird that i’m happy that things would not work out but in this case i’d rather i just give up since deep down i know its impossible. Its just that I’ve not been able to do so because i was still holding on.

To give you an understanding of how i feel now, lets use this a simple analogy. Imagine, a bird that has been cooped up in a cage for a very long time and today it’s finally being released into big blue sky, into a world of possibilities. Man, it feels gooood!

Adios~

 

I’m fine, what bout you?

7 weeks into internship and i can tell you, i’m having the best time here.
The people here are so friendly, nice and crazy. I love people i can click with instantly.
I’m lovin’ it here. I dont think i can bear to leave this place after internship. I’d probably stay on.

Everything’s nice about internship, just those school work i have to do for it.
Argh, spoils my mood. Gonna go start on my portfolio. I blame you Alicia for procrastinating! :(